Torture

Nan one grammy for Victory circa 1984

I don't believe in awards or "winning" (those are rock and roll quotes) for transcendental reasons but I glanced at the Grammy noms, mock hurled, thought of Denzel, and renewed plans to host an irreverent sequel to last year's voice immodulated grammy party (since it was the year of the southside--i'm doing the gulf coast wop as we speak-- we will fashion gangsta griZZllz from foil and bedazzling wrapping paper after which we will take sips of this brew like it were syrup.

"Crackish" (© Jamie Foxx) moves by the Recording Academy:

+Nominating Maroon's 5 ancient "This Love" (Sneakily nominating the version from the '05 live album although this track dates back to my SC days.)

+Nominating Van Hunt’s ancient “Dust” (I hope it wins though).

+Nominating 5 songs from the bland So Amazing: An All Star Tribute to Luther Vandross in a misguided attempt to honor the notoriously discriminating craftsman (Read Aretha’s bio. He audaciously critiqued the Queen when producing her in the eighties) and now deceased R&B lengend Luther Vandross.

+Nominating “Unbreakable”, a fun, catchy, ridiculous, song (me and M Dot are know to wail on I 75/85 coming from Hartsfield) dictated one day by Time Warner Cable’s programming (likely Black Starz and Nick at Nite) as Alicia Keys played hookie from her brutal responsibilities as an overhyped performer. (For the record I am not a hater. Check my glowing if undetailed take on her at Radio City earlier this year.)

+Nominating, Beyoncé, unparalleled songwriter of Billboard-Chart-Topping addictive artless drivel for her cover of "Wishing on a Star" from the Roll Bounce Soundtrack (I fully realize that having hurriedly hopped the 2 train to Magic Johnson Theatre-"We can do it in our own community"- to view this film the evening of its release, I am precluded from launching any criticisms. Full disclosure: I saw Good Burger on its release day as well.)

+Nominating pre women's lib throwback track "Cater 2 U" a postmodern unironic ode to female subservience by the aforementioned vapid pop icon. "Check Up On It" is barely a shade better. Why aren't women/feminists/sensible people boycotting Beyoncé? Cause she had a senseless song about "Independent Women?" When I was a kid even flighty pop songs demonstrated a little subjectivity and autonomy, (i.e., "90's Girl", "Mercedes Boy", etc...) One question for Beyoncé: is the reason your dad creeped on your Ma and sexually harassed your back up dancer because Tina didn't "keep it tight, keep [her] figure right?" Maybe if the plus size Tina had Matthew "Post-Modern Joe Jackson" Knowles "Check Up On It" more often he wouldn't have strayed. And what of the space between "a bitch and a B"? What if it were to close? What if in fact its an optical illusion caused by the impact of your status as a "wavy light-skinned girl" albeit weave enhanced?

+The entire rap solo performance category.

+Having separate categories for white and black church music: "Bluegrass Grospel" and "Soul Gospel."

+Nominating "Trapped in the Closet" (Chapters 1-5).

+Not nominating Rich Harrison as Producer of The Year.

+It pains me to say this as I am a proud soldier in Stevland Judkins Morris Hardaway's army but he's overnominated. I think he should win for Best R&B performance by a duo or group for his duet with daughter and muse for "Isn't She Lovely" Aisha Morris on "How Will I Know" and Best R&B album for A Time to Love but everything else is less out of deferential respect than indifferent ignorance of the current R&B/Soul scene.

+I almost forgot. Nominating U Got Served's (I swear I didn't see this movie in the theaters) brooding b-boy Omarion. Umm "Touch" was my shit but that's cuz of Pharrell and I thought Omarion could dance until I saw Chris Brown at the African American day parade. Dude's second only to the kinetic genius of Shakira.

In conclusion:

"I do not subscribe to their philosophy" © Amel Larrieux