mercredi, janvier 24, 2007

Looking 4 Guidance in the Mirror

apologies for not posting. i am at a loss for words. i don't know why. i wrote a post last week but never published it cause i was ranting and i was wrong. i don't like to be wrong even if it will make me feel better. i can't say that this is the best policy. it's probably why, to my knowledge, i don't ruffle many feathers but it has got me feeling bland. discriminating but tasteless. here and there.

i never completed the Bayard Rustin bio that Courtney gave me. i was into it but it was too heavy to tote around and i do most of my reading on cross borough train rides. i faintly remember--my memory's no good except for slights--a discussion of pacificism. i tried to make it my home but my physical conflict free lifetime is beginning to feel like hamartia. not to mention i am verbally violent with my mom and my sister who i know will never forsake me and often short with an assortment of triflin' powerless nobodies. but, generally i'd call myself compulsively pleasant, polite, peaceful. what i mean to say is that i am pleasant, polite and peaceful to everyone except ma and aisha cause i expect the worse. and that's foul fear. here and there.

but as i feel more and more blah i think it's because i've lost my bite. not to champion cruelty but its a part of life. i've distilled my own ugly ways and directed them towards my immediate family. and i think it's time to distribute them more evenly. everywhere.

And listen to what the shuffle dug up: "Stay" (Jaguar Wright, Denials, Delusions And Decisions)